Ecclesiastes 11:5
“Just as you do not know how the life breath enters the human frame in the mother’s womb, So you do not know the work of God who is working in everything.”
On November 15th, 2016 Nathan and I found out we were expecting our 5th child! We were ecstatic. Both of us! After we announced the pregnancy, it was amazing how many people had asked us if this was our ‘surprise‘ baby! 5 kids after all is a lot! Our closest friends and family knew that this was not a surprise pregnancy, but to many others we just kind of just laughed it off without much of an explanation!
I want to be really raw and honest with everyone… this baby was definitely not a surprise! Prior to this pregnancy, we had lost a total of 6 babies, 3 of them within the last 18 months. Each loss has been just as hard as the first one. Each time a test was positive, we imagined a new personality, a new rhythm in the family, and a new soul to nourish and to love. We have never put away the baby bath, or the bassinet, or the high chair as we have both felt God is still wanting to grow our family! Each time I would start to spot, whether it be as early as 6 weeks or as late as 12, I would have to grieve the mental loss of another precious baby. Losing babies is hard. It’s lonely. It’s silent. How do you grieve someone you haven’t even met? Each time, I would put away the hopes and dreams and trust and pray that one day, we would be able to bring another child into this world.
Fast forward to March 9th, 2017 you can imagine my excitement to have my 18 week checkup at the doctor! Finally, I have once again made it past the frightful first trimester! Finally I can start to think of names, start shopping for baby clothes and really imagine being able to hold this precious baby in less than 5 months! My husband and kids dropped me off at the doctors office and went for a little drive around town. As any other routine appt. they started out by taking my weight! Weight gain is inevitable, especially if you have my genetics. If you know me personally and have witnessed me pregnant, you know that I turn into a nice little marshmallow pretty early on. So much to my surprise, when my weight had gone down 6lbs, I was a little uneasy. Kind of excited, but a bit unsettled. I talked to the doctor about it immediately in the room and she assured me that this is quite common, especially if you were a bit nauseas at the beginning. She began asking me the general pregnancy questions and then as usual proceeded to take out the heart doppler. She moved it around my tummy… nothing. She dug in a little deeper… Nothing. She told me this can be common, perhaps the placenta was in an awkward place. Luckily, they have an ultrasound machine in their office and she quickly moved me to the next room. As she started looking around my uterus, we saw the inevitable. A beautiful little body with a sweet little head, tiny little arms and legs, all tucked in and sleeping peacefully. Never to be awoken again on this earth. No heartbeat, just curled up in a little ball. My heart sank. She started laying out my options and because of my cesarean history, she suggested a D&C which she said was still possible because the little baby had been gone for a few weeks and was not a full 18 week size anymore. It all happened so fast.
By the end of the next day, I had been in and out of the hospital and had completed a suction D&C. Such a disgusting term for such a precious soul. My little baby, my kids brother or sister, suctioned out to be disposed of later that day. It’s just so hard to process. After waking up from the general anesthesia, they sent me home a few hours later, empty.
This is all SO fresh. I am so thankful that we serve a God who loves us, and who has plans bigger than anything our imaginations can fathom.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. ~ Proverbs 16:9
I am trusting God that his plans are so much more than what I can see. I am so thankful for the family He has entrusted me to take care of so far.
I am overwhelmed from the support we have received from family and friends. The flowers, the meals, the messages, the phone calls! You have all been so wonderful and we are truly amazed by the great community we are surrounded by.
As hard as this has been, I am confident that is part of a journey to something more amazing than anything we can plan on our own and we are excited to see how God will use our family and our story to further His kingdom.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. ~ Psalm 138:8
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